and everything is perfect until it's not
by xoxomolls
Summary: "You tear your eyes away from the blood and the smoke and the sadness and pray that it's over." Stilescentric. Oneshot. Stydia. Sciles. Etc. Part two of the Inside Out series.


::

_I'm not a hero._

::

Your name is Stiles Stilinski and you're sixteen when it all begins.

In a tiny little town called Beacon Hills where nothing ever happens.

With a boy named Scott McCall there to catch you before you hit the ground. He's a master at giving you the puppy dog eyes and he lacks the ability to understand sarcasm, but you don't, so you guess it's okay.

He's there when your mom gets diagnosed with a disease you can't pronounce and he's there when they bury her six feet under and little eight-year-old you cries and kicks and screams that it's not fair. He's there when your dad drinks himself into oblivion and shouts bitter, broken words at you until your legs shake and your fingers are digging into your skin.

He's your best friend, but he's more than that. He's your brother and the only person you trust with every part of you. You love your dad. But he hasn't been the same since your mom died. Not really. He still loves you. You know that. But sometimes he gets that look in his eyes. The one where you know he's remembering. The one where he smiles a little and then frowns a lot. The one that always leads to a bottle of whiskey on the table and venomous words at your back.

You're sixteen when one of your ideas breaks your best friend apart from the inside out.

::

You've been in love with Lydia Martin since the first time you saw her. She's beautiful and smart (even if you're the only one who knows it) and she's perfect in every way. Except for the fact that she's in love with Jackson Whittemore. Also known as the bane of your existence. Honestly, you don't know what she sees in him.

But you're too much of a coward to walk up to her, so you watch from the sidelines, never asking or making a move. You just watch as her hair gets lighter and her eyes get greener. You watch Jackson screw up over and over and over again and you watch her shoulders slump when she thinks no one is looking.

You notice. You always notice. Everything about her from the way her heels get higher and her skirts get shorter to the way her eyeliner gets darker and her lipstick gets brighter. All because she thinks that's what will bring him crawling back.

To be honest, you think Lydia looks more beautiful in sweatpants and a messy bun than she ever could in her designer jeans. And part of you breaks when you watch her try harder and harder in all the wrong ways to get a boy who doesn't even see how worth it she is. If you had half an ounce of courage, you would tell her so.

But you don't. So you watch her instead.

::

It's one thing to drag your best friend into the woods in the middle of the night. It's another thing to make him help you search for a dead body. It's a completely different spectrum to get him bitten by a werewolf in the process.

It's kind of ironic that by trying to protect him from your dad, you basically handed him to a far greater evil.

On his first full moon, his eyes glow yellow and there's a madness in him that scares you. You're not sure the chains will hold him, but you tie him up anyway and hope for the best. He says cruel cruel things and it crushes a part of you to watch him turn into something he was never meant to be. But you don't leave because no matter what he does, he will always be your best friend.

(even if he makes out with the only girl you've ever loved)

You forgive him before he finishes apologizing because he's Scott. And he has a way of making you love him when every part of you tries to hate him. And besides, you know better than anyone how easy it is to fall into Lydia's manicured clutches.

::

Allison Argent arrives on a Monday and you kind of wish she would go back to wherever she came from.

Because you can tell that Scott is starting to fall for her. And eventually, he'll love her more than he loves you. She'll be the one he spends all his time with and she'll be the one he talks to all night and you'll be the one wondering why you weren't enough.

Your predictions comes true on a Thursday when your best friend leaves you alone with a Scott-shaped hole in your heart.

::

There's a long list of bad things that come with Scott being a werewolf. But there's also a few good things.

His popularity skyrockets and so does he, but he takes you with him. And all of the sudden, people know your name.

_Lydia _knows your name.

She asks you to go with her to the winter formal and it's perfect.

You're not stupid and you know Allison put her up to it and you also know she's still pining over Jackson, but you'll take what you can get because Lydia Martin knows who you are.

::

People are dying and you can't figure out why or who or what or where or anything really and you're not okay with that.

Scott tells you that it's not your job to put the pieces together, but he doesn't understand because he's Scott and he's good and he's brave and kind and _good. _You're a coward and you always have been and the only way you can even slightly fix that is if you figure it out.

So you hang pictures on your wall and buy different colors of string and try to solve the puzzle until you fall asleep at your laptop and wake up with sore joints and a worried father at your shoulder.

You tell him you're fine, that you just lost track of time, and he nods, but his eyes still follow you when you stand up and grab your keys off the desk.

You pretend your fingers don't shake when you turn the ignition.

::

Derek Hale scares you.

He really _really _**really **really scares you. He's silent and stoic and he's basically trying to make your best friend join a cult and it terrifies you because you can't do anything about it.   


But then all of the sudden, you're fighting on the same side. Against Peter and then Kate.

And you realize that Derek is still human. He lost his whole family in a fire caused by someone he trusted and he survived. He picked himself up and dusted himself off and survived. He's angrier than anyone you've ever met and he still makes you want to run sometimes, but you think you understand him a little better than you did before.

::

The winter formal is perfect and Lydia is perfect and everything is perfect.

Until it's not.

Because Lydia is missing and you just know something is wrong and usually you like being right, but this time you hate it because there's just so much blood and _oh god, please don't kill her, I'll do whatever you want._

So you watch as the girl you were supposed to be dancing with falls to the ground with claw marks in her chest and follow Peter Hale through the woods.

You know Scott will find you. You just hope it won't be too late when he does.

::

That night, too many people die.

Kate dies and Peter dies and Scott barely makes it out alive, but he has Allison wrapped around him, so you watch from the sidelines, your heart thumping painfully in your chest.

You watch Derek first. You watch him tear his claws through his uncle's throat and wonder if he'll ever regret it. You watch him kill the only family he has left and you wonder if he'll ever forgive himself for it.

You watch Chris Argent stare at the corpse of his sister, tears in his usually cold eyes and his hand still wrapped around a gun. You can tell that his finger is still pressed against the trigger, but you know he won't hurt Scott. You know that he can't. Not when his daughter is currently holding onto him like that.

You tear your eyes away from the blood and the smoke and the sadness and pray that it's over.

::

It's not.

You don't think it will ever be over.

Because as soon as one villain is defeated, three more appear.

::

This time, it ends in stages.

Stage one. Lydia.

You can't hold it against her. She may have raised Peter from the dead, but you see the circles under her eyes and the fear in her walk and you know that she's just as much of a victim in this as any of you are. She poisons your best friend with one of the only things that can kill him, but you still can't blame her.

Stage two. Derek.

Even though his eyes are red and his motives are dark, you can still see the human part of him. You can still see the part of him that doesn't know what to think about Peter's return and the pieces of him that he tries to put together by filling the cracks with Isaac and Boyd and Erica. You can see the envy in his eyes when he looks at Scott and you think you kind of get it. Scott never wanted this. But he didn't let it break him. He didn't let it turn him into a monster. He didn't have to convince or bribe anyone to be in his pack. He was just the kind of person people naturally wanted to trust. You think it's kind of tragic that all Derek really wanted was a pack and he lost that before he even really had it.

(you wonder how long it will take him to realize he's always been a part of Scott's)

Stage three. Jackson.

You hate him. You've never denied that and you doubt your feelings will ever change. You hate how he treats you and how he hurts Lydia and how he tries to destroy Scott every change he gets. You hate him for a lot of things. But you can't hate him for the murders he committed. You can't hate him for the blood he shed. He was just the gun and Matt was pulling the trigger. Until he ended up dead too.

Stage four. Gerard.

If you're being completely honest, you didn't even really blame him. At least not at the beginning. He lost his daughter and he did what he thought he had to. You know death and you know the pain it causes. And you know the feeling of complete desperation. So you understand that death can drive you mad. But then he turns Allison into the one thing she promised herself she would never be. He turns Jackson into a murderer and makes Lydia watch. And he tries to kill Scott. And suddenly, he's the only one you blame. And when he falls to the ground, coughing on mountain ash, you realize you haven't given your best friend nearly enough credit.

::

You're not a werewolf. You don't have superhuman strength. You're just a boy with a jeep and a mind that never stops working.

You can fire sarcastic quips all day, but when it comes down to it, that's all you have.

You're not a hero.

And you're okay with that.

You can't fight off an Alpha or jump from a two story building without injury, but you can figure things out. You can hold Lydia's hand when she remembers and touch Allison's shoulder when she wants to forget and hug Scott when he doesn't think he can do it. And that's enough for you.

::

Scott still isn't over Allison and you doubt he ever will be, but you know now that he loves you just as much and you kind of hate yourself for ever doubting that.

And maybe that's why it hurts so much more when he's standing in front of you, holding a flare and dripping in gasoline.

You manage to talk him off a ledge and you refuse to let go of him, even when you're safely away from the motel and the wolfs-bane. On the bus, you watch him sleep, counting his breaths until the numbers blur together and you give into the exhaustion threatening to overtake you.

When you get back to Beacon Hills, you tug on his wrist, so he'll follow you because you aren't willing to let him out of your sight yet. And you probably won't be for a while. So you tuck yourself into his side on a bed that reminds you of countless sleepovers as kids and let the sound of his heartbeat remind you that he's alive.

::

It's different when it's Melissa that gets taken. At first, it's like you're on the outside looking in. But then Scott's mom vanishes from the hospital and you're the only one there to see him shake his head and walk off with Deucalion because he's desperate enough to willingly go with someone who tried to destroy him. Someone who tried to destroy everything and everyone around him.

You feel the same desperation inside of you. When your mom died, Melissa stepped in and you can never thank her enough for that. She trusted you to look after her son. But instead of protecting him, you ruined his life.

You wonder what she would say if she knew the truth.

And now Scott is leaving with the enemy and you can't do anything about it. You beg him not to go, but the tears in his eyes show you that it's impossible for him to stay.

Your dad goes missing a few days later and part of you hates Scott for not being there to tell you it'll all be okay. The rest of you hopes to god he knows what he's doing. Because if anyone can fix this, it's Scott.

::

You've always said you'd die for your dad and part of you expected it was inevitable now that you were both surrounded by the supernatural.

You just never thought you'd come back.

And when the dreams start, you wonder if you'd have been better off staying dead.

But it led you to the nemeton and it led you to your dad and Allison and Scott aren't complaining, so neither will you.

::

It's not until you see Scott's eyes glow red that you realize how far gone you all are.

It's not until you see Allison scream her dead aunt's name until her voice goes hoarse that you realize nothing is okay anymore.

But at least they're doing something about it.

(your best friend is an alpha and Allison is deadly with a bow and you're still a scrawny kid with sarcasm as your only defense and you're not okay with that anymore)

::

You feel like history is repeating itself. People are dying and you can't figure it out.

Until you do.

But you're not sure what to do with the answer.

Because your face is the last face people are seeing before they die. Your hands are the ones shoving a knife into your best friend and twisting it until he bleeds and bleeds and begs you to stop. Your voice is the only thing capable of controlling an ancient band of assassins.

It scares you more than Gerard or Deucalion or Peter ever could.

And no matter how many times Lydia or Scott tells you that it's not you, you still feel the ache in your chest because it is. It doesn't matter that there's something taking over your body because it's still you. And you're not sure how you're going to be able to live with that.

And maybe that's why you end up pointing a sword at your own chest while the only two people you trust with your life are watching you in horror. You can feel Lydia's tremors beside you and you can see the fear in Scott's eyes and maybe that's what makes you snap out of it. Or maybe it's the image that keeps replaying over and over in your head.

Allison.

She's dead because she was trying to save her best friend. From you.

It makes you flinch when you think of the way Scott fell apart in Lydia's arms or the way Chris Argent had to pull Isaac away because he was too frozen to move on his own. You want nothing more than to push on the sword until your heart stops because you deserve to die, but you can't. Not when you know the nogistune is just playing another game. And this time, it's a game you have to win.

You're not brave enough to think about what will happen if you lose.

(you always have been a coward)

::

Defeating the trickster is easier than you thought it would be.

And then you remember how Lydia screamed and how Scott broke and how Allison stopped breathing and you realize it wasn't easy at all.

::

_"Allison!" _

_You're barely conscious and the world is still spinning, but you can see the blood on your best friend's hands and you can feel Lydia leave your side when the sight registers. You sway and someone catches you, but your eyes are locked on the dead girl cradled in Scott's arms. And the horrified expression on his face. _

_You watch Chris Argent grab Isaac and you watch Scott lay the fallen huntress down and press his lips to her forehead one last time. You watch Lydia cry and it's not beautiful this time. It's wrong. It's all wrong. _

::

You're seventeen and it's hard to believe that a year ago, you would have laughed at the idea of monsters.

You're seventeen and now you are one.

::

_You know, maybe... maybe we are pretty much useless. Maybe all we really do is show up and find the bodies._

_::_


End file.
